Wtf is husband envy?

Husband envy is my preferred term, because resentment sounds too harsh, and doesn’t quite capture what I was feeling. I didn’t resent him for getting me pregnant and starting a family with me. I was simply jealous because while it looked like my life had flipped upside down, it was hard to see how his had changed at all. In retrospect, I can see about a million ways that my husband willingly sacrificed his previous lifestyle. But honey, when you’re in the trenches (life with a tiny human) you don’t see shxt. I was jelly, and it had me PRESSED.

JELLY 🤦🏽‍♀️

I was awakened every 2 hours by a screaming baby, clawing at my boobs because it was time to eat again. Finally waking up for good at 6 am, just for him to tell me he barely got any sleep because the baby was crying. When all I saw, was a motionless man laying next to me in a deep sleep. TUH! Sleep deprived where? Sir, you were snoring. JELLY.

I watched as he “reluctantly” packed his bag for a work trip. He sulked all the way to the door like he couldn’t stand to be away. All the while I thought about how he was about to get on a plane, take a nap, check into a hotel, order room service, eat dinner in his boxers, and get 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep in a comfy hotel bed. Bxtch, I was seething with jealousy.

If I wanted to leave the house for a few hours it took years of planning. There’s no way in hell, no matter how urgent it was, that I would be able to leave town. And stay over night?! NEVER!

Besides all the physical demand, and the constant need for my presence inside the home, I just didn’t feel like myself. Like an imposter in my own body. I had no idea that having a baby would change my views about everything, that it would make me more emotional, or empathetic towards the entire planet. The loss of identity meant a total rebirth for me as a new mom. Constantly in my head and wrestling with ideals that no longer fit me. And he was just over there watching Game of Thrones. I don’t know what the hell he was thinking about. He just didn’t seem to be plagued by intrusive thoughts like I was. Even that made me jelly.

Clearly, I was bamboozled.

When I found out I was pregnant, I remember us just sitting in our bedroom just staring at each other saying “how tf did this happen?” I mean obviously, we knew how it happened, but we’ve been doing it this way for so long, how did we manage to make a human this time? Dumb, I know. But I was quickly settled by his reassurance. We have the means, we can hire help, we’ll work it out, your life doesn’t need to stop, yada yada yada. 

All of that sounded great, and it wasn’t untrue. We did have the means, my life didn’t stop, still never really hired help, but whatever. I just severely underestimated how much of it would really fall on me. The baby’s entire existence rested on me. Feeding her, soothing her, interpreting what was wrong with her and how to fix it. Morning time, bath time, nap time, play time, and every waking moment in between. There were things that I was equipped with that made me the perfect person for the job. As much as he wanted to help, sometimes he couldn’t. He did what he could, but the fact is, my load was just way heavier. Especially in the beginning, Of course, as babies get older, dad can take on more, but those are things that happen progressively, and I just needed to be patient. 

How i (kind of) got over it.

The thing that helped me the most, was when I made up in my mind that if I wanted my family to be structured a certain way, I had to make it happen. Whether he could help or not. Women get so caught up in fighting for equality and having a voice, we forget, and even discount how unique and needed we really are. 50/50 looks great on paper. But in practice, it’s unrealistic. The role you play in your kids lives won’t be 50/50 ALL THE TIME. He has his role, and his skills will come in where they’re most needed in its own time. But I was needed right away. Instantly. 

I was thrown into the fire, I had to figure it out, and I did. I know my babies best, I’m an expert at raising MY babies. My job started before they were born and it’ll continue for lifetime. 

Basically, I had to let go of any notions about whats “fair.” Fair hardly exists in marriages and parenthood. It’s mostly just, I’ll get it this time, and you’ll get it next time. And even if you don’t get it, we’ll survive, because I can still handle it. 

Husband envy had me looking like the green eyed monster in real life. But I’m a mom, so that means i pretty much run shxt over here (even though I allow him to think otherwise) and I was built to do so.