The very first piece of marriage advice I ever received, came from my father, about a year before I was married or even engaged. I hold it close to my heart, maybe because he has since passed on, and partially because it was really good advice. Simply put, he told us “don’t forget to date.” Which I found a bit ironic, because I surely don’t remember him taking mom on dates. They eventually divorced, and I can only assume his advice came from the wisdom he gained after they were done. 

I think my husband and I have always put forth a good effort to spend quality time. But after 12 years together, and ALMOST 4 years married, I can finally wrap my head around why daddy’s piece of advice was so valuable. Some days I’m so desperate for adult time that I will find any reason to leave my kids with grandma and drag my man to Target with me. And he hates shopping in target with me, because I prance around the store buying things I don’t need. And to me, that’s a date. A really good date. Since our second baby came, we’ve had to find ways to “keep it spicy.”

What you’re about to read are some of my(and my husbands) thoughts about the ways we keep shxt real cute around here, and keep the flame burning.

Keep Dating.

1. Go on dates. Go to lunch. Go to dinner. Go grocery shopping. Walk the neighborhood. Go somewhere and hold hands, kiss in public. Flirt. Ask each other questions and get an uninterrupted answer that doesn’t end with someone chasing a kid around the room.

Go on Sex Dates.

2. His thoughts: Go on sex dates. This is not a joke, and it is most definitely a thing. Andre found his way to some freaky podcast and he heard a sex therapist talking about sex dates. This is not to be confused with scheduled and obligatory sex (which I don’t agree with) Clear an afternoon or evening, get a babysitter, get a hotel, and go have sex. No fluff, no dinner, just show up and take your clothes off. This isn’t about quality time or conversation! This is about SEX! Have sex, take a 30 minute nap, wake up, and do it again. I know people say sex doesn’t solve problems, but as an exhausted parent, irritability can run high, and sometimes it feels like you own all the problems of the world, and you usually don’t. If you’re craving closeness or feeling neglected, you disguise it by pointing out arbitrary issues. Stop doing that, just have sex, and see if you feel better.

Hey, Good Lookin!

3. Keep up with the physical, sis. The old saying “if you look good, you feel good” rings true. And if you feel good, that energy radiates off of you and your partner feels it. The confident version of yourself is the BEST version of yourself. Have you ever gotten a fresh bikini wax and instantly felt like the sexiest woman on the planet? Thats the feeling we need to aim for! So go do the workout, get your hair done, wax your whole body till you’re as slippery as an eel, bxtch!

Tempted to Touch.

4. Touching. Something so simple can make all the difference. I had to explain to my husband that he couldn’t just “Trump” his way into intimacy. He cant just grab me by the pxssy and declare it a mission accomplished. Casual touching is the goal. As often as you can, even if its just brushing by your partner and letting the back of your hand meet theirs as you walk by, all of this is energy. Just little notes that you leave each other saying “It doesn’t matter how busy I am, I just want to be near you.”

Set A Goal!

5. It could be big or small, as long as it is something you BOTH are working toward. It could be a budget, saving for a vacation, better eating habits, fasting, learning a language, reading a book, anything! I realized once we started setting goals together it gave us so much more to talk about, we felt like a team, and that creates closeness, and intimacy. Couples, married or not, need goals. 

Honorary Mention:

5. Leave them the hell alone sometimes. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Spend enough time away from them so that you can connect later on and actually talk about your day. And I know this is tricky (post covid) because so many of us are working from home, and stay at home moms are now staying home with EVERYBODY and doing 3x the work. But you need your alone time, he needs his, and it is just as important as time together!

Obviously, relationships are constantly changing. Marriage is a journey, and there is no quick fix or one piece if advice that makes it all better. A year from now, I may have 5 completely different tips about how I keep my husband and I connected. Whatever the change is, I invite it! The fact that any of us care enough to try and keep the flame burning, means we’re on the right track.

Either way, I’m all ears! As I go into year four of this marriage, what can I expect? I need some advice from my fellow mamas in the comments 🙂 Don’t be shy!