So recently I had a realization, and it was a very hard pill to swallow. I took inventory of my life, past and present, had some laughs about how much fun I had, shed a few tears about the hard lessons I learned, and in my best TLC voice said “ what about yo freeeeeeeeens.” But it was the frenemies for me.

I’ve shared many good times, with many amazing women. Most of whom I still talk to! Mainly through social media, but still, that counts. Basically, I realized I’ve had way too many frenemies. Like an uncomfortable amount. And by definition, a frenemy is a friend, and an enemy, all wrapped up in one. 

We all have at least 1…

Most frenemies aren’t sitting around diabolically planning to ruin your life. My frenemies were a little more passive, and probably didn’t even realize that’s what they were. Have you ever had a friend that would witness you make a dumb ass decision, cheer your dumb ass on the whole way, then after you come to your senses she says “well I didn’t wanna say anything but…” or “I never thought that was a good idea” or “I knew all along…” 

But they didn’t say shxt when they saw you blowing your life up! I absolutely hate that. They’re like “yes men,” but worse. 

Sometimes people will watch you make mistakes because it makes them feel better about themselves. A lonely person will encourage you to prematurely end a relationship because then you’ll be just like them. They will keep quiet while you make a mistake, because once it is made, you fall from grace.

Frenemies are loud with criticism and quiet with compliments. They disguise meanness in jokes and passive aggression. It usually has more to do with them, and way less to do with you. Heres what I mean by that.

I once had a friend that I considered close. Very close, actually. We spent practically every other day together. We laughed together, cried, partied, prayed, EVERYTHING. It seemed we had plenty in common, but because of our emotional unrest at the time, we mainly talked about our heartbreak. It was like therapy, and it honestly got me through some really dark times! But eventually I found myself in a better place all around. Physically in shape, back in love, just blessings flowing from every direction. I started to become a shoulder to lean on, instead of an equally disgruntled girlfriend.

I would carry on as before, really wanting to talk to her about how happy I was, inviting her to celebrate special moments, and for some reason she was a ghost. This girl who used to be available and down to chit chat suddenly allowed anything to keep her from celebrating my blessings with me. Anniversaries, birthdays, engagements, you name it. She would make plans, cancel last minute, and instantly it hit me. I was more fun to be around when I was sad.

When I was crying over a man, when my bank account was lower, when I had less than she had. As long as I wasn’t doing better than her, I was “bestie.” I understand that it probably wasn’t on purpose, it was probably more about how she felt about her own stuff. When I look back I can see how she was hurting. How bad she was suffering and I empathize with her. 

It’s not them, it’s you.

She wasn’t the first to handle me that way. I could drum up a sturdy defense and say “I was just too nice.” But that wouldn’t be the truth. I wasn’t too nice, I was insecure. Being too nice is a sign of one thing only, lack of confidence. 

Why else would I allow women who I claimed as friends to shade me and look the other way. Why was I people pleasing and constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt? My husband told me over 10 years ago, that there were people in my life who were threatened by my potential.

We would be great friends as long as I didn’t realize how much I actually had. I hate to say it, but those words were lost upon me, and I spent the next decade giving people the benefit of the doubt. Allowing people to use me for their good time and pick me up, but falling short in real times of need. 

I talk to women all the time who echo my same experiences. How many frenemies do you have? Why is she still a friend at all? What kind of energy are you giving off that allows people to believe they can handle you in that way? Here’s an even better question. Are you a frenemy? Who are you friends with that doesn’t bring out your best side? What about her or her life triggers you and makes you act out of character? It’s time we take inventory. Our healing and progression depends on it.